I grew up during the time when the internet was just starting be a normal thing to have in your house. Back then, there was great paranoia about all those strangers on the internet, and dating sites were condemned as being something for a bunch of losers. Now the stigma of online dating has faded substantially, and sites such as OKCupid are thriving. However, there are definitely plenty of creeps on the internet – and lots of them, as I’m reminded every time I log into my OKC account.
All the quotes in this post are taken from messages that guys have sent me, because I don’t receive a constant barrage of messages from women or non-binary people that make me want to set fire to the OKC server room. I may be pansexual, but I’ve considered restricting my profile visibility from “straight” people because I am tired of wading through an avalanche of endless stupid messages from cis men.
So, for your entertainment, I present OKStupid: a collection of some of these inbox gems…
Silver Poop Medal
I like your OKC profile and I like your personalities. I know we will get along well. I wish I can read all your blog about sex toy. I like sex toy. I think we can be good friend also.
I like sex toy too, but you cannot read all my blog about sex toy. Sorry.
Hey there, I hope I don’t sound creepy
But I really really like your profile.
I’m looking for some cool friends and hopefully more but not necessary
And you look like a nice person
If you have to put “I hope I don’t sound creepy” in the very first line of of your message, you should probably close your browser window and go to bed. Also, I can’t help reading this to the tune of “Call Me Maybe“.
Where are some of your favorite bars?
I literally say in the first section of my profile that I just moved to the area and I’d rather play board games than hang out in a bar.
I’m new to the area and hoping I make new friends. You look like someone I would like to get to know. What’s your favorite color?
Alright, this message may not be horrible, but it cracks me up that the first thing he wants to know is my favorite color.
And then, there’s this guy:
If you’ve got black balloons in your profile photo and you’re holding a rose between your teeth, you’re either far older than my stated age range preference or you’ve got a fedora permanently attached to your scalp.
Golden Poop Award
I like your profile and would be interested in reading your review. I’ve been told that I am great in&out of bed.
Men on OKCupid seem to think I’ll just send them my blog URL if they are creepily suggestive about their sexual skills.
I think we’d get along, but I’m having trouble figuring out why – the only thing that jumps out is that liquid silk is awesome!
After a rigorously brief overview of your profile I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories… you will always have a special place in my heart.
your ex-hubby, Berkeley
P.S. You can keep the dragon and I will keep the house on Mars =)
I was almost intrigued this one, as it’s weird and I like dragons, but it’s also disconcerting (married and divorced…??) and doesn’t mention anything that would point out he actually read my profile. Does he send the same “whimsical” message to all “quirky”-sounding women1 ? One investigative Google search informed me that apparently, this is a common copypasted message. I didn’t reply. Two days later, he wrote:
Was the break up to hard, that you couldn’t bring yourself to respond?
Speaking of disturbing follow-up messages, after receiving a fairly lackluster message from a guy and confirming my disinterest with a quick check on his profile, I ignored it. Five minutes later, he sends me this:
Alright, I’ll admit it. That message sucked. Well it didn’t totally suck, it was just weird enough to prompt a look at my profile but not actually good enough to get an immediate response.
I owe you nothing, creepy-ass dude.
Platinum Poop Trophy
Wow, you are tiny for a white girl, aren’t you? 😀
I can’t figure out how to explain how disgusting this one makes me feel. First of all, I’m multiracial, not a “white girl”. Second of all, my short height doesn’t give you (or anyone else) permission to treat me like a child. And I want to stab that emoticon in the face.
So are you looking for friends or someone to bang? You seem pretty interesting but I am a little confused as to your purpose
My purpose is definitely not serving the sexual needs of creeps like you. Besides, why can’t I be looking for friends and someone to bang? And what exactly is your purpose? Oh wait, I just remembered – I don’t care.
Let’s all raise a glass to the following Men Who Tried:
• The guy with the username AbsMan[ArbitraryNumber]. His profile picture is –surprise!– a bathroom mirror snapshot of his bare abs.
• The guy with the username makeucum[ArbitraryNumberThatIncludes69], who told me in typo-filled detail about his cat that likes to masturbate.
• The guy who started his message with “Good Evening Miss”. Kindly step back into your time machine and return from whence you came.
• The guy who wrote me a poem about tacos.2 Okay, I’ll admit I was a little impressed by this one.
• All the people who don’t “get” my profile’s weird humor or strange jokes and want me to explain/clarify.
Sad Kazoo Fanfare
And of course, there’s always the classic, no-fail, casual cool-guy message:
I can tell he spent a lot of time and effort on that one.