It’s been over a year since I first published a collection of awful OkCupid messages! How have things progressed since then? Well… my inbox is constantly at max capacity with 97% awful messages despite my periodic message deletion sprees. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.
Also, the messages have gotten a lot worse since then.
First of all, could you fucking NOT
I dont usually say this but you would make a perfect girlfriend for me
Cool story: this guy was a 0% match and 95% enemy.
I am pleased by your polyamory, your fondness for equality and justice, your blue hair, your gaming…
My ongoing fight for equality, justice, and civil rights is definitely something I do solely to please fedora-clad men1 rather than because of my own personal lifelong marginalization as a racial/gender/everythingelse minority in this country.
You forgot settlers of catan on your list of great games.
The list on my profile is not a general list of “great games”, it is a list of my favorite board games. Do not mansplain to me that you know better about what my favorite games are (or what you think they should be). Also, there’s a really good reason why Settlers is not on my list: I DO NOT LIKE THAT GAME AT ALL.
So we seem to have some things in common, and then again there are definitely some differences between us
Any open smuggling slots?
This one sends me into giggling fits because he probably meant “snuggling” (yep, creepy) but all I want to do is tell him my ship made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.
just one word WOWWWWW.
Did you know that the 1st geocache ever was placed just south of Portland on the 2nd of may 2000? I was teaching a GPS class at a college in Germany when they switched the selective availability of just the day before that.
Yes. I know that very well. I have been to the Original Stash Tribute Plaque (in fact, I have logged the entire GeoTriad). I have a collectible trackable Geocoin that commemorates the date Selective Availability was finally nixed. Thanks for mansplaining some well-known geocaching facts (FYI the first cache was actually placed on May 3rd, not 2nd).
i have stable job and single with no drama… i expect the same from you
What if there was a boardgames about geocaching for sex toys?
Why are you messaging me when you live really fucking far away
I live in Portland, Oregon. I want to date people who live in my own city. Is that so much to ask?
I’ve gotten messages from: Seattle & surrounding areas, Los Angeles, Idaho, Arizona, Minnesota, Massachusetts, Indiana, North Carolina, Kentucky, New York, Pennsylvania, British Columbia, Quebec, AUSTRIA, and AUSTRALIA.
Are these people looking for some kind of online pen-pal? I don’t understand their motive in messaging me? None of them ever mentioned in their message that they’re a billion miles away. Well, except for this guy, who lives a seven-hour drive from me in a different state:
How local would you say someone has to be to meet the near me thing?
And also this guy:
We live a little far from each other – hope you don’t mind.
He lives in Brooklyn.
Apparently my profile reads like a personal board game recommendation service
What board games would you recommend for someone who likes them doesn’t really play them very much?
We do a weekly game night with some friends. We’ve been having trouble finding decent games that allow a good number of players (6-8). Would you have any suggestions?
I’m always wanting to play Catan again, and most recently played Space Truckers3 which was fun though a little too random, I know my ideal board game is out there. Possibly you’re the oracle?
Afternoon. What are some good board games for someone who likes catan, dominion, and pen and paper RPGs?
That’s like asking “What are some good video games for someone who likes Zelda, Fallout, and table tennis?”
If you could go ahead and stop doing these things from now on, that’d be great
• Suggest that our 0% enemy score is a great sign
• Get overly excited about your 93% match score with me (Bitch I’m a 99% match with BOTH my current partners.)
• Ask me if I want to go to the dump and shoot some rats5
• Message me again with “bump” so your thread goes back to the top of my inbox (Are you aware that OKC is not a web forum from the 90s…?)
• Message me for poly relationship advice and/or information
• Message me for sex advice and/or information
• Name-drop Scrabble, Risk, or Trivial Pursuit and think I will be impressed
• Name-drop Settlers of Catan and think I will be impressed
• Disable your OkCupid account while we’re in the middle of planning a first date, and tell me I’ll need to contact you via League of Legends to continue chatting
• As much as I adore Oh Joy Sex Toy, could everybody please stop asking me if I’ve heard of Oh Joy Sex Toy? Pretty please?
• Ask me to help you figure out what “queer” means???????
Part #3 will be coming very soon – featuring horribly creepy messages, as well as men who refuse to accept that no reply means I’m not interested. There was far too much stuff to put in a single post. Clearly, I need to publish these more regularly.
- Not joking, he’s literally wearing a fedora in his profile pic [↩]
- Freeloading camsite viewer whose username is the color grey, due to having zero money loaded in their account for tipping models [↩]
- Did… did you mean Galaxy Trucker? [↩]
- Yes, I love group sex and threesomes. Yes, I do ethical non-monogamy. But no, I am not on OkCupid looking to become your HBB [↩]
- That question was the entirety of his message. [↩]